I have lived in Houston for many years now - 34 to be exact. It’s a big city. Supposedly the fourth largest city in the U.S. That means we have a lot of people here, which also means some badness. Yet, in all my years as a Houstonian, I have very few police stories to tell. Perhaps it’s because I’m a relatively cautious person. Perhaps I’ve been lucky. I imagine it’s a little bit of both.
My very first brush with badness was in 1980. I was working at Whatburger, a local hamburger chain. There are people who leave the city to live elsewhere and dream of returning to get a Whataburger. They’re pretty good burgers as fast food goes. But really, the cult-like status is a mystery to me.
I was going to art school at the time and I needed a job and I needed one quick. I had worked at Whataburger during high school so I knew what to do. I was a burger vet. One night, just as we were about to close, two guys walked in. Next thing I know I’m looking down the barrel of a gun with a guy yelling at me to get down on the floor. The mental disconnect that occurs when one is slinging grease in an attempt to clean a burger grill only to look up into a gun is difficult to overcome. I’m cleaning a grill and I’ve got a gun pointing at me. Wait. Hold on. There is a gun pointing at me. And, a guy is yelling. And - I’m cleaning a burger grill. Ok. Oh, right, if I don’t get down you’ll shoot me. I get it now.
I lie face down on the greasy mat thinking, “I’m going to die, at the age of 19, at a Whataburger. Just great.” I really did think this. I was kind of pissed. I was scared, but also pissed. I felt really sorry for the girl at the cash register. They were yelling at her to get the register open and she couldn’t. She was scared shitless, I’m not quite sure what they expect. Pointing a gun and yelling at people is not as effective as one might think. I prefer the Louise method of armed robbery ala Thelma and Louise. It would have been much more pleasant.
Anyway, they got the money and left. No one was hurt. I quit that night. But just to show you what a stupid dumbass stand up employee I was, I finished cleaning the damn grill.
There have been a few other police stories but none as dramatic and life threatening as that. I never worked fast food or retail again. And so it has come to pass that I have lived a fairly serene, almost crime-free life. This also includes my family and friends.
Then, in the wee morning hours of the new year, Willie (the queen’s oldest boy) was walking to work. He walks to work every day. Gets up a 4 am. For real. Yet, on this day, under the freeway at Interstate 10 and Gessner, Willie encountered his own badness tale to tell the grandkids.
A guy was standing there. Approached our boy Willie. Apparently there was some fist swinging. Willie took it out to the road in an attempt to be seen should a car come his way. But the bad dude slugged him a good one on the chin. Then Mr. Thug claimed to have a gun. That’s when W gave the bad dude all his stuff - wallet, phone, ipod and - chapstick. The guy took his chapstick. Then walked off. Willie was laying in the middle of the road and a car did come by. They honked at him, drove around and never stopped to help.
Ohhhhh…ridin’ down the highway yes my back is gettin’ stiff
Thirteen cars are piled up they’re hangin’ on a cliff
Maybe we should pull them back with our tow and chain
But we gotta move and we might get sued and it looks like it’s gonna rain
And I’m sure it wouldn’t in-ter-est, any-body, outside of a small circle of friends
~Phil Ochs (A Small Circle of Friends)
Willie ended up with some stitches in the chin and the inconvenience of canceling his cards. Not a great way start the new year. It could have been so much worse.
I guess into every life some badness must fall. We were lucky it wasn’t the worst kind of badness. Just another bit of proof that we live out the grand drama of heaven and hell right here on earth. It’s not necessary to die in order to find both.
